Negotiate

when it’s time to set aside your emotions and get down to business.

“I remind clients to take off their emotional hat and put on their business hat. If you were always able to get along well, and never had hard feelings, you probably wouldn’t be getting divorced.

Divorce is a negotiation. You’re deciding together how you’ll divide things, handle finances and support your children. While you’re discussing, put the past aside, even if you’re still hurt. Think about the best way to manage your emotions for the sake of your children and your future.”

— Attorney Mediator Julie Ernst

Negotiation Tips for Divorced and Separated Couples

 

In our most troubled relationships, negotiation is challenging. Divorcing couples must make decisions that affect their families for years to come. If communication starts to break down, try the following techniques. Start using them early and often.

  • Allow your spouse to vent their feelings. When people are hurt, angry or afraid, they may accuse or blame, and bring up past disagreements. Don’t take it personally. Instead of responding defensively or going on the attack, let them get it out if they need to.

  • "Mirror" what your spouse says. People get stuck when they feel they’re not being heard. Show your spouse you’re listening by rephrasing and repeating back what they said. This technique is so effective, you’ll likely see your spouse physically relax when you do it. Say things like, "so if I hear you correctly, you think..." or "let me make sure I understand, you feel...."

  • Validate your spouse's point of view. Even if you don't agree, tell your spouse you understand how they could feel that way. Some people argue because they want you to agree. When you let them know you see their point, you can move toward resolution.

  • State what you’d like in a simple, non-emotional way. Use non-loaded, nonjudgmental statements with few adjectives. Say what you would like to happen going forward. It’s difficult to work with anyone who is silent or withholds information.

  • Ask what your spouse would like to happen and why. Listen without interrupting.

  • Brainstorm solutions. After you’ve listened, demonstrated you heard, validated and stated what you would want in the future, propose and seek input about how both of your needs can be met. Generate ideas until you find one that works for both of you. Studies show that when both sides participate in finding a solution, the result is much more likely to work.

  • Once you agree, make it specific so you both know what to expect and how to proceed. Be detailed about actions you will each take or how you will handle things differently.

It may take multiple conversations to reach agreement. You may need to return to discussions for clarification or to adjust what you previously agreed upon.

Remember the tone and words you use will affect your future relationship and dealings. If you want your spouse to work with you as new issues arise, you’ll have to put your past emotions aside and move toward a working relationship.